Behind the Clothes

Many have the opinion that instagram, snapchat, twitter, and all these other sources of social media are false realities, but I disagree. Those social medias are just you on a phone. Everyday we chose what we let others see in person and on our small hand held digital devices. Simply because you are face to face with another person does not mean you truly understand the true them. They allow you to see whatever they won’t and keep everything else hidden, just like we do on Instagram.

For me social media has never been my style. Sure I have Instagram, Pinterest, and Tik Tok but that’s just because I like to see what everyone else is posting. With writing everything seems a little more naked and raw. You can’t hide behind a pen so much, eventually your mask will slip. Putting pen to paper, or fingers to a keyboard, you are prone to losing yourself in what you are releasing our into the world, because writing is a personal reflection of the inner workings of the mind. It can show so much about who you are. But maybe that is just my opinion.

Anyways, I wanted a place that I could express myself. The version of me that only a handful of people are kinda aware of just because of the amount of time spent with me over many years. My inner circle have only seen these small glimpses because the “clothes” I was wearing grew to heavy at some points causing rips in my facade. Having them know about my small little secrets is shameful for me. I feel like I didn’t do my job well enough. I didn’t keep up the image of positivity, happiness, and ease that I had so badly wanted and now I am left with my reality being seen by my loved ones. Those are the ones I wanted to hide from the most. To have them beaware of how dark it could get for me was debilitating. I wanted so bad to have them see me as the product of a great household, with two parents who love and want the best for me, which I am. But apparently something went wrong in my head. Not because I experienced some tragic event but only because I am me and apparently I am dealt with a mind that only seems to want to focus on how things could occur poorly or how whatever choice I make is the wrong one, or how I am not the best version of myself and I have something to fix about me. I don’t know if that will ever end. I am trying to get fixed and whole again but in reality I don’t think it will ever leave me. But yeah thats just me or where I am at now.

But for those reading this, if anyone is, these feelings are not uncommon and actually to talk about it, even though its through a screen is relieving. You don’t have to say anything or respond but if you want to keep coming back. Its your choice. I’ll be here regardless.